What I should care about vs. What I do care about

06Jan09

Warning: This post is whiny and rambling. Feel free to skip.

I’m having one of those days where I really wish we would have eloped. I’m getting frustrated, not only with myself, but with the whole wedding blog-o-sphere, industry, etc. I feel like I will never have one of those precious weddings featured on so many blogs, mainly because I don’t care about DIYing everything from the invitations to the dress. I really don’t care about all the wee little details of the wedding and I’m angsting because I don’t have a “vision” for the day yet.

I wish that I could be an official member of the tribe of brides that really don’t care about traditions and are having a wedding that is uniquely theirs. But I’m not. Part of me wanted to have an engagement ring with a pink stone, since that is so me. But I don’t, I have a diamond, because deep down I feel that that is what I SHOULD have.

I’m well aware that I have been brainwashed by the wedding industry. I’ve been reading wedding magazines since WAY before I met my fiancé. I love wedding shows, and watched them even during my darkest days when I thought I would never get married myself.

Hence the frustration. One side of me wants to get married with only 10 people there. Have it catered by our family and photographed by our friends. Yet there is this nagging feeling in the back of my skull that knows I would never truly be happy if I didn’t have my big to-do. And I’m not even having a big to-do. We’ll have maybe as few as 30 people at our wedding, with a max of 75-and that’s if all of my family from Utah flies out, and I know they won’t.

Moments like this make me think. Perhaps it’s not worth spending thousands of dollars on just one day. I’m not talking thousands upon thousands of dollars here, but I’m really half-tempted to call the whole thing off, get my deposit back from the venue (the only vendor we’ve booked so far) and ask my parents to give me the money they were going to spend on the day and quit my crappy job and use that money to live off of for a few months. They know how miserable I am, so they’d do it.

All this stuff just doesn’t matter in the long run. Yet I know if I did just call it off and we just elope or have a very small wedding, I may regret it later, because I have always wanted a wedding, but now that the wedding is a date on this year’s calendar, I’m remembering I am a shy person that doesn’t like being the center of attention, and my fiancé is more so, so why spend all this money on a day that will probably just frustrate and embarrass me? Because the teenager that lives inside my head that wanted the big poufy princess day wants it?

My parents have neighbors that I’ve known since I was a teenager. They’re having a large party this year to celebrate their 20th anniversary, because they didn’t believe in having a big fairytale princess day. “Have the party when you have something real to celebrate,” they’ve said. And I’m starting to agree with them.

I’m sure I’ll shake this feeling off, but I’m already starting to feel that wedding planning is a chore. I’m interested in getting things checked off my list, it’s just not as fun as I thought it would be. In reality, the wedding will still go on, but we will probably scale things way back. I’ve never been one of those “I want it, must have it, don’t care what it costs brides,” but I have been in certain aspects of the wedding. I think I’m just going to have to let that go.

To be clear: I’m not backing out on the marriage. I know that I have found the man that will not only put up with my ass, but will love me when I’m old and look like a frog.

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